So that's how people get morbidly obese....

by eating two dinners. I'm ashamed to say that tonight is not the first time this has happened in my life well at least my "fat" life. I can say with pride though that it doesn't happen often. Yay for a lil self control. I love to watch shows about super obese people. I don't know why but I find them and their stories fascinating. Maybe subconciously I like to watch them as a warning to myself about what can happen if I let it. Apparently lately I have not been watching enough of these shows as tonight I ate dinner twice. Both the dinners of course were unhealthy so its not like I'm eating salads for twinner (two dinners). I did however, look at a bunch of pics from a few years back when there was a lot less of me, 45 lbs. to be precise. Oh where did you go skinny me and when will I ever find you again? I know you're out there somewhere. Now if I can just find you.

The sun always comes up tomorrow

This past couple weeks have been a lil stressful. I hate when lots of crazy stuff happens and I get all overwhelmed and don't know what to do. I also hate it because it makes me cry and be all sad and then I feel even worse. I hate crying and unfortunately I am one to cry easily. I don't like it because it makes me feel weak and vulnerable and well it's really hard to talk with a big ol' lump in your throat. I mean really what is that? I'll need to goggle it I think. Anyways when lots of stuff happens at one I know that I'll get through it and that everything will be okay. It's the waiting part that I'm not a fan of. I never know what the timeline is for the crap to stop getting piled on. I know it's gonna stop but I'm not one to enjoy the wait. But, alas I feel that the clouds have broken and the sun is once again making an appearance. Yay! The stress isn't totally over but I see the end in sight or at least I think I do. I don't want to count my chickens before my eggs hatch but everything seems to be falling into place and that is a good feeling.

Just average!

There has been exactly one time in my entire life that someone has called me "average". It happened my third year of teaching. This year was by far the most difficult, challenging, horrendous year of my teaching career, maybe even my life. I made it through it though. I might not have always done the best thing but I tried my hardest that year to do what I thought was the right thing at the time. The other teachers use me as a reference when telling stories about horrible teaching years, this is how bad it really was. Average people would have run from the building screaming and never looked back. Average people would have packed up their pointers, stickers and markers and abandoned those kids but I didn't. I know what I did that year was a feat of phenomenal proportions. However, that year I was still called "average". Even though I know that the majority of the time I am anything but "average", those words still haunt me. I can't get rid of them. It's been two years and every scary thing brings me back to those words. It's really frustrating. I want to know how to get rid of these words. I seem to think that maybe if someone tells me I'm extraordinary then that will make everything better. I'm not totally sure about that plan but somehow I've got to get over it.

Just stop and wait a minute!

I like to read other people's blogs. In fact most of the people's blogs I read I don't even really know them personally. That may seem strange but I think a lot of people do this. I have found myself reading a lot of blogs written by parents with special needs. One of the blogs I have been reading on a regular basis is about a girl with down syndrome who was battling leukimia for the third time. Today she passed away. I don't know her or her family but it made me stop and think.
All day today I was annoyed about money, finding an apt., being fat, finding a reunion dress, going to my 10 year reunion, having a fever blister, packing up my current apt., moving, finishing my gt class and having to move classrooms. What's really crazy is that after reading this blog I realize that I need to appreciate all of these things. I'm healthy and happy. I have a job. I have friends and family who are healthy and happy. I have a house and a car. I have food and health insurance. This family that lost their daughter/sister/cousin/ aunt had to deal with her illness for so long and now they have to grieve her death and here I am mad because things aren't going how I think they should.
This made me realize that I need to do a better job of appreciating the blessings in my life. I also need to take a minute and remember to live. Life is not about the finish line it's about the race. It's funny that someone I don't know and will never meet gave me this reminder but it just reiterates what a special girl she must have been.

Runner, I am not

Today I made it to the gym. Yes, I realize that everyday millions of people complete this feat, in fact some people do it more than once a week. Crazy! I know. Anyhoo, I clearly am not one of those people frequenting the gym on a regular basis. I'm more of a sporadic kind of girl. I figure the gym appreciates the surprise.
I had a goal today that I was going to start the Couch to 5K running program. I've started it many times but I've quit it just as many. I figured I'd give it another try. I was a bit apprehensive about running on the treadmill because I'm always afraid I'll fall off. Now with my knee messed up too I'm also afraid that I'll trip a little bit and then twist my knee causing it to dislocate and then simultaneously causing me to fly off the treadmill. I can imagine how painful this would be physically and mentally. As a preventative action I decided to wear my brand new knee brace. It's not as cool as it sounds. It makes my knee feel weird and it's hot but that's less bothersome than dislocating my knee so I guess I'll put up with it.
The first, round of jog 60 seconds walk 90 seconds wasn't bad. The second round of jog 60 seconds and walk 90 seconds wasn't bad. The third was my downfall. I'm sure you're disappointed to hear how quickly my body surrendered but it's the truth. After struggling through another round I just plain stopped. I'm sure you're disappointed and probably yelling "quitter" at the computer screen which you are totally justified in doing. However, I came to this conclusion. I hate running. I've always hated running. I'm slow. It hurts. I can't breathe. However, I really want to be a runner. So I've made myself a compromise. For now I'm going to shelf the program and continue to workout on the treadmill, elliptical and hopefully Zumba. Once I'm actually in better shape then I'll attempt to resume the program. I know that if I keep trying like this it's just gonna make me miserable and further my intense hatred of running. So for now I'll just be a WALKER.

Your heart has to be in it.

I read the above quote in an article today about diets and weight loss. They basically said that until your heart was really in the whole dieting process that it wouldn't work. Well they're right. I am a perfect example it seems like for sooooooooooooooooo loooooooooooooooooooong I've been doing the same thing. Down a pound, up a pound, down a pound, up a pound, you get the picture. It's like a hamster running on a wheel that's stuck. How sad is that? I mean you watch the poor little hamster just running it's little heart out but that wheel just isn't moving. So you very nicely reach in and give the wheel a little push and voila the hamster is on the move again. The hamsters moving and so is that wheel. I just need someone to reach in and give my wheel that little push.
Today at WW I did lose 1lb. this week. That's a good start now if I can just keep that wheel moving I'll be alright.

Let me tell ya about my best friend....

okay I have 2 best friends but this post only talks about Carmela. We are both tired of being unhealthy and overweight so today we decided that we would do a weight loss challenge with each other. The goal for this week is that each of us has to lose 1 lb. It doesn't sound like a lot but we're just doing it one pound at a time. We're technically starting tomorrow because both of us have weigh ins so that will be the weight from which we have to lose our pound.
The best part about all of this is it's very reminescent of all the schemes, projects and ideas we have had over the years. We started a club called "Girlz to Women". We created a dance to a Janet Jackson song, we made up cheerleading routines, we wrote a fashion magazine, organized a fashion show, wrote a novel about our crushes, and the list goes on. It's funny cause we're adults now and we're still creating little projects with each other. So let the weight loss begin!

Hey Fatty Magoo

Dear Wii Fit,
I appreciate the opportunities you give me to workout. I appreciate the variety of workouts you offer as well as the option to calculate the minutes I've worked out and calories I've burned. I also appreciate the time you take to test my center of gravity. However, is it really necessary to weigh me (hard enough) then calculate my BMI and inform me that I'm obese. Not only do you make the little arrow go up to the obese section, you orally tell me I'm obese and then proceed to make my Mii look the part of obese, while playing failure music. I'm sure that you think this brand of tough love your offering is going to motivate me to workout more and eat healthier. You my friend, are mistaken. All this does is make me want to shout obscene words at you and curse you for being a computer who has the audacity to call me a fat a**. I know I'm obese you don't have to reiterate it at every turn. I would appreciate a nicer version of informing me of my less than stellar BMI and weight. I mean how would you feel if I called you obese all the time over and over again. Probably not very good.
Sincerely,
Juli the obese